I write to encourage you and share what has been revealed to me of late. Not that I think myself above any of you or chosen where others have not been
No, I readily confess I was a wretched sinner, not merely indeed, but in every lustful thought.
I had eagerly entangled myself with such lust, that there was no light in me at all, I hid away from His light
For even the merest glimmer of His light made me shudder with guilt so that I would scurry away deeper into my darkness, in vain hopes of finding comfort
But there was none to be found, no joy, no peace, nohope, nothing but haunting lustful images, that flickered taunting me to draw closer, with every burn they robbed me of more and more of my soul
But The Lord was patient and faithful, He knew how my addiction to lust had lured meaway from Him, the Lord knew I had willingly given up my free will, and accepted lust fuelled by porn to enslave me.
I was blind, but now I see,
I now see that porn and lust are on and the same, with no power to hold us, unless we freely give it to them, in exchange for brief moments of what we perceive as ecstasy, but disappears quicker than the morning dew.
I tell you this, porn is self-cantered, promising much, but delivers emptiness. While you submit yourself the porn will dominateyou
No matter how much porn you seek, no matter how much thrill you may gain.
There is No physical contact, No intimacy, No Sharing, No tender caress, No Joy, No Love
Remember these words if nothing else, when temptation tries to arose you
Also remember how much Jesus suffered, how much pain and anguish He went through, to be able to offer wretches like me and you, such a wonderful gift of forgiveness, given with such love that is beyond our understanding
I decided rather than continue my “Who is Graham Commander” which turned out way long enough, I would do my testimony separate
It is my hope my testimony may help other Christians, to trust in the Lord who is patient
Years before I got married, my lust addiction had already a tight firm grip over me, far stronger than I realised, as even when I wasn’t watching free porn my mind was so saturated with images from other days
I found it hard to clear my mind enough to focus on anything else, as for when I was lustfully looking at porn videos, even while one was playing, I was looking to the side at previews of other videos, enough was never enough
I had conveniently put my marriage vows to one side, so I could freely indulge in my lustful desires
This continued for far too many years until hackers sent emails threatening to expose my lustful activities, along with atheists with negative comments on Christian videos
Yes, even though I was addicted to porn, I still used to watch mostly Christian music videos, but always read through the comments
Having found so many atheist comments, I decided to explore atheist video channels, which lead me into even darker places
As they gave so what convincing reasons not to believe when believing was my only hope lifeline of freedom.
It wasn’t until I could no longer bear the heavy burden of shame and the overpowering control of the addiction.
I bent down my knees in desperate prayer, “Lord have mercy for I am a sinner in need of forgiveness and freedom from my sexual sin addiction
I surrender even my free will, as I’m unable to control myself, and just abuse my free will to indulge
Praise God, He heard and answered my prayer, He forgave me and freed me from the tangled mess I had allowed myself into
The blessed peace and joy and love that came with my new heart. “Thank you, Lord, I never want to go back into that dark place ever again”
For the first time in too many years, I began to be able to love my wife as I should and with the help of God’s Holy Spirit cleansing me daily and teaching me how to Love God first
From personal experience I found that self-control is not a possibility
At lest with the old self, as expecting the old self to discipline itself, is unlikely to happen
For the old self is Self-cantered, Selfish and wants only its own way, Self-indulgence
The only way to gain self-control, was by dying to my old self, and asking God to transform me into a new creation
Once I was born again, and I was free of my old self, and all my sins I had committed due to my self-indulgence
As a new born child of God, I found His comfort and peace, was amazing and far better than the false freedom my old self offered
Which turned out to be no freedom at all, rather it quickly turned into slavery through addiction
At my darkest point I had no rest from images that flooded my mind, even when I could sleep, they danced around in my dreams, taunting my relentless
Whereas becoming a new creation child of God, and all that has taken place since, has been beautiful and amazing
That Jesus willing suffered and died such a cruel death, so my sins could be forgiven, is beyond my wildest imagination, that He loved me even though I had strayed so far from Him
I would rather become a servant for Christ, than have remained a Slave of lust
Every day He gives me breath, I will sing His praises
I write about my experience, as a Warning to others
Backslider
This is phrase you don’t hear about these days, not surprising when you consider the depths of depravity this world indulges in
I should know as I was more depraved than I would like to admit, even though I had recently surrendered all to Jesus, and was experiencing freedom far beyond description
This was after too many years of attempting to kick the habit which had by then turned into an addiction
Perhaps due to vanity or just weakness, I allowed myself to take control of my free will when I say “control” I ought to say Lack of control
I backslide and soon was overtaken by the addiction once again, it seems I had forgotten just how quickly you can get entangled and just how overpowering the effects on my mind were
My mind was quickly filled with demanding thoughts, leaving no room for any other thoughts, to the extent that I forgot everyday things I need to do
What little pleasure I gained was short lived and not satisfying at all, yet the urge to continue indulging became even stronger, snuffing out all of my creative thoughts
Leaving me unable to even start another story, until I confessed backsliding back into my porn addiction and knew that this needed to be my next story
Porn is the modern day updated version of Lust, porn poisons the mind filling it so completely, itleave no room and offers no release and certainly no freedom
Even if many may say they are exercising their free will, so they have found freedom, they as I was, they are being deceived or lying to ourselves
Know this fellow Christians any addiction is really slavery binding us with stronger chains than can be imagined, I would rather be a servant to my savior
Than continue as a slave of addition and therefore sin!
I Surrender All, is one of my favorite Hymns which stuck firmly in my memory and I would often find myself humming it (humming is one of my bad and annoying habits) But it wasn’t until recently that I came to know the truth of the words of that song
When I finally relinquished my control (poor control) over my addiction of far too many years, it wasn’t until and Surrendered EVERYTHING, that I began to benefit from the effects that this Hymn and the words sing about
The sense of freedom was wonderful beyond mere words can explain, as anyone who has tried to give up any kind of addiction will tell you just how impossible giving up their addiction can be
They will also tell you the longer you allow it to dominate your life, the harder it is to give up and that is certainly true in my case
What they may not tell you but I will, is how I made up excuses and reasons anything but admit
I was addicted
As to the addiction I prefer not to give into details, just to say it was sexual based, and started way back in my innocent youth
It was instigated by another boy who sat next to me at school, who seemed to know about sexual things, but I allowed it to continue ignoring his advances as best I could
Until one day he stopped in the same unannounced manner he had started, but by then I had become so accustomed to him taking advantage of my quiet nature
I found I could not remove the memory of his actions, and began fantasizing and indulging myself in very the same action he had done to me
My first excuse “it was not my fault he perverted me” so with that excuse I could continue where he left off
But as time went on I had to come up with other excuses, as my sexual appetite increased
Here are some of those excuses “I’m only human” “You have to have some pleasures in life, too boring otherwise” It’s not as if I’m hurting anyone”
But these were just lies, that allowed me to continue and not face up to the fact I was addicted, and that addiction lead me into much darker places (practices)
One thing I had noticed the more power of the addiction grew the more it demanded, and the sense of loneliness as how could I explain to anyone until now
For now Jesus has been gratuitous enough to lift the burden of me, so that I am no longer addicted and even if I stray back into that dark place of self-indulgence
These two passages below came to my mind, but had to do a google search to find the actual passages and verse
Ephesians 4:22-24English Standard Version (ESV)
2 Corinthians
22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
– Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all thingss are become new.
Putting off my old self is way over due, how about you?
storybookwriter 