Not by works of righteousness which we did ourselves, but in the measure of His mercy, He gave us salvation, through the washing of the new birth and the giving of new life in the Holy Spirit
Since the time is speeding along toward Christmas and the end of this year 2019
I began to ponder about just how much Jesus has done for me, not only renewing me but also continuing to support me through addiction
I am unsure how long ago it was when “I surrender all” including my “free will” to Him as I often failed to control my desires
Only then did I begin to know the wonderful experience of peace and freedom He has given me and the ongoing support even when the old self stirs into rekindled flames fanned by the Whisperer
I know that I never want to allow myself back into that dark place of self-indulgence, for it was rotting my mind and stifling my creative thoughts
Along with dragging me further away from Jesus, my first love (not in a sexual or normal human way) but in a spiritual sense
From my youth school days, I loved hearing the stories about Jesus and He became so real I could visualise Him in my mind’s eye
Even years later when I heard the words He spoke I knew His voice and never doubted Him
As many of you may know our rebellious nature can distract us and vanity will lead us astray, so it was in my life, but Praise the Lord for He is a caring Shepard who searches for His lost sheep, such as me
I have over the years watched many videos, some with those who claim to have been a Christian and then for assorted reasons “Broken free” their words
They attract many comments from others who have chosen what I call a false freedom
So who am I that I dare to call their seemingly new freedom false?
I am someone who had thought I was a Christian, not because of my parents although they were married in a church along with marriage vows
But rather through Sunday school attendance (which I was told about later on in my life
Sometime later when attending a local school, where they read passages from the Bible every morning along with
I have over the years watched many videos, some with those who claim to have been a Christian and then for assorted reasons “Broken free” their words
They attract many comments from others who have chosen what I call a false freedom
So who am I that I dare to call their seemingly new freedom false?
I am someone who had thought I was a Christian, not because of my parents although they were married in a church along with marriage vows
But rather through Sunday school attendance (which I was told about later on in my life
Sometime later when attending a local school, where they read passages from the Bible every morning along with Christian Hymns
In those days I had no reason to doubt any of the stories which were read, even though it wasn’t until the readings began in the New Testament
That I and other pupils were introduced to Jesus, even from the beginning of His story, I was totally enthralled with His character and words
In those simpler days, I was a true child of God, never doubting
But as I aged towards the teenager age, fleshly desires grew stronger and began to weaken my belief
Further on as the desires gained stronger hold, the enemy used others to spread his lies
One being that Jesus was gay since He only mixed with men including His disciples
This thought sidetracked me so well that I began to think I must also be gay too, adding yet another dark and perverted path for me to wander onto
This was well before the current “gender confusion” and the idea that you can choose and alter your own gender, whatever gender you may have been born
What I and others didn’t stop to think about, is the fact every child is the product of two parents, one male, and the other female, so it’s little wonder that we might feel a stronger attraction towards the opposite to which we were born
I like many others I invited excuses (Lies in disguise) “I’m only human, I need some pleasure in my life” “I’m not hurting anybody” “It’s my body, and nobody else’s business what I do” and many more other excuses
Before I begin let me say I neither dislike or hate anyone who is of a gay persuasion, you may call me a bigot just because I am old fashioned enough to believe in marriage only between a man & woman
There was no gender confusion when I was at school, boys were boys and girls were girls and both were in separate parts of the school
I doubt if any parent in those days would have allowed a boy to dress as a girl or girl as a boy, let alone encourage them to explore different genders
As one 7ear old boy was by his parents they even took him to a “Gay Parade” and boldly announced it on Facebook the fact he wore lipstick and dressed as a girl
To my amazement everyone complimented the parents for their supportive and modern- day attitude, nobody mentioned they thought a seven -year old boy was too young to decide on changing gender
Even the Pope recently denounced the idea of children have a right to decide what sex they desired to be
Going back to the gay parades the number of those involved has grown and is increasing.
Also, on the increase are “gay villages open to all confused genders, on top of this the government wants to introduce “gender education” in schools as part of sex education for children as young as 4-5 dealing with homosexuality and oral sex acts
As mind boggling as this is, there is more!
Some school have already allowed drag queens to read different gender- based stories to young children, and parents who object to this and other sex education and refuse to allow their child to attend school and want to home-school them
Schools are adding insult to parents by threating to take them to court or demand parents must submit to investigation by a school governing body to check they come up to a school education level, which presuming means sex including gender education
Quite some time back the church we attended decided members should offer to host a family based worship, thus Fireside fellowships were born
Hosting these meeting is purely voluntary and in the past we have hosted several, however for assorted reasons which I won’t go into we had not offered to do any for quite a long time
Until last Tuesday night when we opened our home once again as hosts, as we have a smallish living room we could only offer to seat six other church members
Although only three members turned up, there was another who was coming had difficulty finding our home, so he went back to his house
As to the actual fellowship, we as hosts we were asked to pick a praise song we wanted sung as part of the meeting
My wife chose “Bind us together” which is her favourite, which we had all had to sing from memory as it wasn’t included in the edited booklet brought to our house
I chose “I surrend all” which recently found comfort in the words as well as release from my self-indulgence habit that had persisted for too many years
I had previously been listening to it being sung on a YouTube video, and the words tugged at my heart and pricked my conscious so strongly that night when I prayed and surrened all to Jesus even my own free will
I write about my experience, as a Warning to others
Backslider
This is phrase you don’t hear about these days, not surprising when you consider the depths of depravity this world indulges in
I should know as I was more depraved than I would like to admit, even though I had recently surrendered all to Jesus, and was experiencing freedom far beyond description
This was after too many years of attempting to kick the habit which had by then turned into an addiction
Perhaps due to vanity or just weakness, I allowed myself to take control of my free will when I say “control” I ought to say Lack of control
I backslide and soon was overtaken by the addiction once again, it seems I had forgotten just how quickly you can get entangled and just how overpowering the effects on my mind were
My mind was quickly filled with demanding thoughts, leaving no room for any other thoughts, to the extent that I forgot everyday things I need to do
What little pleasure I gained was short lived and not satisfying at all, yet the urge to continue indulging became even stronger, snuffing out all of my creative thoughts
Leaving me unable to even start another story, until I confessed backsliding back into my porn addiction and knew that this needed to be my next story
Porn is the modern day updated version of Lust, porn poisons the mind filling it so completely, itleave no room and offers no release and certainly no freedom
Even if many may say they are exercising their free will, so they have found freedom, they as I was, they are being deceived or lying to ourselves
Know this fellow Christians any addiction is really slavery binding us with stronger chains than can be imagined, I would rather be a servant to my savior
Than continue as a slave of addition and therefore sin!
Before I begin this story, the mental breakdown happened many years ago, but I promise I would write about the experience
I will have to rely on my memory for the order of how it happened including events, other details are a little vague
I was still working and it was shortly after I had meet up with my future wife, somehow the notion of there being many ways / paths that would lead to God buzzed around in my head
I think that idea had been around many years ago but at this time was being revived as it it is in this present age
At that time there were no home computer, and I was yet to discover my passion for writing, as I no longer need to use handwriting it had fallen out of use
So I turned to sketchy drawings to put on paper my thoughts, which turned into a picture storyboard , I vaguely remember some of the images but unsure how long this story was
Sometime later I was in my father’s work-shed and quoted “The three rings of truth” no idea why or what I meant
I also had a vivid dream with Carol and her mum in, but the details have faded now
I also frequently visited a large old church in the middle of the Bull Ring Birmingham, and at least on occasion I ran my hands over carved headstones – but why is now forgotten memory and a mystery
I think after the dream, a ambulance arrived at our house and I was taken to a mental hospital because of the mental breakdown
Although I didn’t see it that way, to me I believed it was God’s will and He had prepared my for this event through my drawing story.
The fact that I was taken to a mental hospital, didn’t bother me as the light-shades were similar colour to the light in my thoughts on one of my drawings
So I knew I was where I was meant to be, and continued thinking that way, until I became self-conscious when a Muslim lady gesture for me to pray with her using cupped hands
Then my thoughts of doing God’s will by being there, were shaken and living there was never the same afterwards
I’m unsure how long I remained there, I just know when I finally came back home to my parents I found it so hard to settle back into normal family life
I felt totally empty and none of pleasures from my past helped, they were just shadows impossible to even grasp hold of
I also felt uncomfortable being around my parents and started going out anywhere just to avoid being at home, at some point thoughts of ending my life invaded my mind
With such force and repetition I became unable to shake the compulsion to kill myself, but all of the methods that I had heard of seemed far to brutal
I will not go into details of the method I eventually used in my attempt to kill myself, enough to say as I stood gasping for breath I suddenly realised I was fighting to live and didn’t want to die then all thoughts of suicide left me and I went inside to get a drink of water no doubt looking pale and drained
After that day I began appreciating normal day things and giving praises for being alive and for being given a second chance to live the life God had planned out for me
I write this press release about my daily life as someone who cares for his wife, not to boast, but more to inform those who don’t realise what is involved
Also for those who like me who take care of someone, so that they too may be given the recognition they deserve
As to myself I gave up my job and became a full-time caregiver, but not realizing at the time just how full-time this was going to be
For starters, I had to learn what medications my wife was on, including the dosage and strength of each tablet she takes, and that has changed over time
Also during our first year of marriage, not only adjusted to married life but also witnessed first-hand just how strong and violent grand mal seizures can be
At times I attempted to hold onto my wife through these seizures so she would not fall out of bed but this felt something like riding a bucking bronco
Other times when we went out my wife would crash to the floor without warning, far too quickly to grab hold of to slow the fall, which was unnerving to me and made me feel helpless
I also took over household duties, such as cooking – washing clothes – shopping – managing medication and money management
On days when my wife was unwell from the after-effects of a seizure, I would need to help her get dressed
All of this on a daily basis, more or less and continue to do so over 35 years of marriage, at the time of writing this.
Whereas we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversay in June 2022Link Here to the brief post about it
I Surrender All, is one of my favorite Hymns which stuck firmly in my memory and I would often find myself humming it (humming is one of my bad and annoying habits) But it wasn’t until recently that I came to know the truth of the words of that song
When I finally relinquished my control (poor control) over my addiction of far too many years, it wasn’t until and Surrendered EVERYTHING, that I began to benefit from the effects that this Hymn and the words sing about
The sense of freedom was wonderful beyond mere words can explain, as anyone who has tried to give up any kind of addiction will tell you just how impossible giving up their addiction can be
They will also tell you the longer you allow it to dominate your life, the harder it is to give up and that is certainly true in my case
What they may not tell you but I will, is how I made up excuses and reasons anything but admit
I was addicted
As to the addiction I prefer not to give into details, just to say it was sexual based, and started way back in my innocent youth
It was instigated by another boy who sat next to me at school, who seemed to know about sexual things, but I allowed it to continue ignoring his advances as best I could
Until one day he stopped in the same unannounced manner he had started, but by then I had become so accustomed to him taking advantage of my quiet nature
I found I could not remove the memory of his actions, and began fantasizing and indulging myself in very the same action he had done to me
My first excuse “it was not my fault he perverted me” so with that excuse I could continue where he left off
But as time went on I had to come up with other excuses, as my sexual appetite increased
Here are some of those excuses “I’m only human” “You have to have some pleasures in life, too boring otherwise” It’s not as if I’m hurting anyone”
But these were just lies, that allowed me to continue and not face up to the fact I was addicted, and that addiction lead me into much darker places (practices)
One thing I had noticed the more power of the addiction grew the more it demanded, and the sense of loneliness as how could I explain to anyone until now
For now Jesus has been gratuitous enough to lift the burden of me, so that I am no longer addicted and even if I stray back into that dark place of self-indulgence
These two passages below came to my mind, but had to do a google search to find the actual passages and verse
Ephesians 4:22-24English Standard Version (ESV)
2 Corinthians
22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
– Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all thingss are become new.
Putting off my old self is way over due, how about you?
I was the last on at my parents house who was still unmarried, my two brothers and one sister had moved out and married some years ago
I was not good at “chatting up” my dad’s phrase, even went I plucked up the courage to go and talk to a young lady, it turned out she was already dating someone
So I continued as a bachelor living at home, even though I wanted to become happily married to somebody as pleasant and happy as my mum
At some point I had given up meeting up with someone who I would get married too, and then one evening I went to a local Salvation Army citadel
During the service I decide I would go and kneel at the mercy seat and offered my life to God to take control of
Shortly after the meeting a young lady Salvation army member came up to me to congratulate me on standing up and kneeling at the mercy seat
That lady was my future wife to be (Carol – although I didn’t know it yet) I remember thinking to myself, it was too late having a lady chatting me up and also thinking she was too young for me she was 19 at that time
However this young lady was not so easily put off, and asked me to go home with her for a cup of tea and meet her parents and sister
So it was I went back to this young ladies home, and then began what used to be called courting, although I had no thoughts of marriage at that time
Carol had different ideas, as she had practiced dressing up as a bribe in white using for many years her mom’s best net curtains
I just enjoyed the company of this vibrant young lady, and the fact I had not needed to chat her up
Sometime later Carol sent me a note saying she had something she needed to tell me, which turned out to be she suffered with epilepsy
I knew nothing about this condition so brushed the aside as not important, and we continued with plans to marry when she was 21
There was a break in our relationship due to I had a nervous break down, or so I was told later, although I remember it differently but that is another story
I am unsure how long after returning home from hospital, before I went to Carol’s home again only to find she was at the Salvation citadel, so I went up there only to find she had left to go home
As I had come this far I decide to go back the way I had come up and go back to her home, undeterred I headed back the way I had come
Only to see Carol running full speed towards me and promptly leap into my arms, which was trusting of her as I was not expecting to catch her in my arms
However I did, more out instinct then skill, and at that moment I knew I had accepted whatever the future had in store for us as a new couple
A few years later in 1982 we got married in a local church that had a long aisle so Carol could show off the wedding dress she had bought to its fullness
Even though the day was in June the weather change from sunny to wet and cloudy, and as we walked down the isle we heard thunder
On that day in spite of the weather all went well and we had 150 attend including family and friends
My lovely wife Carol
storybookwriter 